Cacti, Mary Sues, and Everything In Between
by Kikumaru Plushie
Summary: AU In which Echizen is the ruler, Momo loves blue colored ducks, Tezuka is God, and MarySues will be bashed. The Kindom of Seigaku will never be the same, especially with Fuji and his cacti.
1. Cacti

This is complete crack! Though I kind of always wanted to do something like this XD

But what am I rambling about?! On to the story!

Disclaimer: I don't own Prince of Tennis...word...**

* * *

Far Away in the Kingdom of Hyotei**

* * *

"Why that cocky, arrogant little-!"

"It's a K+ rated story you can't swear," Jiroh whispered sleepily.

"Midget," Atobe said, relunctantly finishing his sentence, "We're just going to change that before the story ends."

"Aren't you overreacting a bit Atobe?" Oshitari said frowning, "I mean we **are **sending in the M-S's to

Seigaku kingdom, isn't that a bit harsh?"

Atobe ignored him, "Are the M-S's ready?"

Oshitari sighed and nodded.

Atobe would've cackled evilly, but he was too good for that. Instead he decided to look hot and brush his hand through his hair like he was in a herbal essence commercial.

Somebody got turned on in that room.

* * *

**Back in the Kingdom of Seigaku**

* * *

Ryoma sneezed. 

He sat in his throne for a few seconds.

"Some one's talking about me," He said stroking his beloved cat, "I feel like doom is approaching the kingdom…"

He sat in serious thought for a few seconds.

"Guards!" He yelled, "I think we need more tennis courts near the castle's vicinity."

Tennis courts **always **made everything better.

"Um…I'm sorry prince but apparently all your property is being occupied." said the castle's architect, named Bob, who happened to walk by.

"With what?"

"The other 256 tennis courts you decided to build…" Bob muttered timidly.

Ryoma looked out the huge window.

He was going to get his tennis court no matter **what.**

"Prepare the bulldozer," Ryoma ordered getting up.

* * *

_Meanwhile…

* * *

_

Momoshiro sighed as he stared at the bulldozer making its way through the town. The prince (soon to be king) stood on it looking as cocky and confident as usual.

It's not like he hated the prince, he was actually pretty cool.

But he kind of had an obsession…with tennis; everyone just says it's his hobby.

But there's a fine line between hobby and obsession. The kid destroyed his duck farm to make another tennis court. (HIS duck farm)

And he liked his duck farm, especially Joe his blue colored duckling.

And no that duckling did not have some genetic disease, it was blue cause it was cool.

"Takeshi-san…"

Then again, now he had a tennis court, free of charge.

"Takeshi-san!"

Momoshiro turned towards the sound of the voice. Actually he looked down. There was a boy standing in front of him, honey brown hair that almost reached his shoulders, with a smile plastered on his face. He about 3 inches shorter.

"Maa…You are Takeshi-san right?" He asked.

"That's me," Momo said, then added, "You can just call me Momo."

"So Momo, I heard you are selling your store, correct?" He asked.

"Yup," Momo said.

"For how much?"

"Around 80,000 at the least, it's a pretty big sized store."

"My budget is 50,000."

"Sorry, can't sell it to you."

"I think you didn't hear me correctly," Fuji said a content smile on his face, "**My budget is 50,000 dollars**."

Something deep in Momo's gut told him not to argue with this guy.

"Um…it's a deal…?" Momo said unsurely backing away.

"It's been nice doing business with you," Fuji said as he handed Momo a bag and carried a box inside the empty shop, "We'll take care of the paper work later."

"Woah, he paid in cash…" Momo said looking into the bag.

"Momo," Fuji said from inside the shop, "I just came into the town today, well, country for that matter, do you mind giving me a tour?"

"Um…sure…" Momo said reluctantly.

* * *

That herbal essense reference reminds me of something...Oh wait I think I got that from Link and Luigi's story, **REMOTE **(You should read it, Prince Ryoma commands you)

P.S.: Sorry for the short chapter, it's more like a prelude...


	2. Bitch Slap

Warning: This is pure crack, if you hate don't flame.

Disclaimer: I own YOU

* * *

Echizen sat in his throne petting his cat, loving the good life and his tennis courts. 

Then a girl burst the room. She had silky long black hair the reached the ground, she had big purple round eyes (That changed colors too! GASP!) that people would die for. She wore a black shirt that seemed a little tight for her, She wore fish net leggings and a dark blue shirt over it, which were both made with Egyptian cotton by the way. She also had blood type E (Which stands is elf blood! WTF?! Asdfjkl;)

Her name was Mary, because you just KNEW.

Ryoma threw Karupin to the side (and evidently with enough force that the poor cat fell out of the window)

And then Bob burst through the door. (The OTHER door that wasn't burst open by Mary)

"We have an intruder!"

"Not now Bob," Echizen commanded sternly, "Mary and I are going to get married this after noon."

"Wait, what?" Bob stared at the both of them, "She killed 200 of our men!"

"Silence fool!" Echizen yelled and bitch slapped Bob who just so happened to stand next to him.

* * *

"The prince has announced that he will be getting married this afternoon to his long lost friend, the heiress to the Elf King's throne," The squire said from the village square, "She also says that she is definitely not suspicious." 

"The prince might want to watch out," Fuji said smiling contently, "His wife might murder him."

"…" Momo stared at him.

"Did I say that out loud?" Fuji wondered, "I might have to kill you now."

"…"

Fuji chuckled.

Momo took a long step back.

"Let's move on with our tour Momo," Fuji said ushering him towards a weaponry shop. Momo gulped.

* * *

"That hill is where God lives," Momo said pointing to the hill in the horizon. 

"You mean like a shrine right?"

"No, God lives there," Momo said making a face that was like "DUH!"

Fuji would've been like: "Are you people crazy?" but he's Fuji, instead he would either diabolically laugh at the demise that would soon befall you all (ALL OF YOU!!!)

"I'm going to go see God," Fuji said matter-of-fact tone.

"You can't just see him like THAT," Momo said in a matter-of-face tone, "I mean…he's GOD."

"Are you saying that _I _have no right to see God?" Fuji said creepily as he opened his eyes and a few birds shot out of the sky.

"…no…"

"Good," Fuji said happily as he skipped off to God's hill.

* * *

**(30 seconds later)

* * *

**

"Hm…I thought that might've taken a bit longer…" Fuji wondered to himself.

There in front of him were tennis courts lined in a neat order. The bushes grew tennis balls and the trees had tennis racquets (GASP!) coming out of them. This would've been heaven for Ryoma.

* * *

**Somewhere else

* * *

**

"That Ryoma kid is so retarded." Jiroh piped up randomly.

"We finally get the rating changed and you don't bother insulting him with some PG-13 content?" Oshitari said, ready to slap him.

"We got the rating changed?"

"Yah...While you were sleeping..."

"Yes!" Jiroh said happily, "That Ryoma kid is such and ass-tard."

Oshitari just sighed and walked away quietly.


	3. Well, Not Really

Here's the next (hopefully) funny and crackarific (if that's even a word) installment of Cacti, Mary Sues, and Everything in Between.

Disclaimer: I own you.

* * *

Fuji stared at the paradise. The only thing that was missing was a cactus.

So Fuji pulled out a cactus and placed it in between a few bushes. (Yes, he _does _keep a cactus in his pocket)

Then Fuji did a ninja move and whipped a cactus at a bush that was a few yards from him.

But…GASP! It wasn't really a bush. It started glowing and evolved into Tezuka. He smashed the cactus and it exploded in a mushroom cloud.

"Tezuka zooone"

Insert silence.

"You let your guard down."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Fuji said threateningly as he opened his eyes and Tezuka died.

Well, not really, cause he's God.

* * *

"Stop eating, you stupid diabetic bitch," Kirihara yelled as he sold some ice cream to some random kids on the street. Then he whispered, "I hope you get AIDs…"

If you were wondering Kirihara wasn't molesting any kids, he actually owns an ice cream truck and sells ice cream to little Jimmy down the lane.

"Fine," Marui said as he pouted, "I'll cut down."

Then he took 5 sugar-free popsicles and chugged it down. Of course he got a brain freeze and started twitching on the ground.

"We need to get to Seigaku or we'll become more unpopular than Hiyoshi and those two other random guys from Fudomine!" yelled Kirihara.

"Wait, let me finish shaving my head," Jackal said as he pulled out a buzzer that he kept in his pocket and started shaving.

"For the last time. You. Do not. Have. Hair!" Kirihara said as he slapped the buzzer away and it landed and Sanada's eye and he died. Kind of. Not really.

"If you want to go so badly, why don't you drive the car to Seigaku?" Marui said pouting, apparently recovering from his brain freeze.

"We're middle schoolers," Kirihara stated a matter-of-factly. When no one said anything he continued, "We're too young to drive."

* * *

Hiyoshi sneezed.

"Someone's talking about me," Hiyoshi said as he blew his nose.

"Oh…" Said Jirou quietly as his furrowed his eyebrows, "…Who are you again?"

"…Hiyoshi"

"…right…"

* * *

So it was sunny and the weather was perfect.

Our favorite freshman and prince was standing on a tennis court.

We all know that there are only two things Echizen would do on a tennis court. He was either playing tennis or getting married.

You guessed it, he was getting married…on tennis court 257. We all know 257 is Echizen's favorite number.

So back to the story.

"Echizen, do you take Mary to be your lawful wedded wife?" The tennis coach said reading out from the bible. Of course Echizen gets a tennis coach instead an actually priest.

"I-" Echizen started but he was interrupted because a cactus fell out of the sky and kill him. Well he wasn't dead yet, he was just bleeding a lot.

"Oh my God! Some one get the Ponta!"

"**N0! I Sh4ll h3a1 h1m!!1!**" Mary cried dramatically because you know…she's an elf, and she has healing powers.

But then a cactus fell out of the sky and hit her too. But she wasn't dead yet, she just started bleeding profusely.


	4. It Flies Silly

Disclaimer: Fuji owns your and your cacti

* * *

So last time we left our er…heroes

So last time we left our er…heroes. They were bleeding profusely from being hit by a flying cactus that came out of the sky, maybe it was from God, who knows.

But thankfully our beloved Prince of Tennis woke up two days later after the incident to find something written on his arm.

"You let your guard down," Echizen read out loud as the message disappeared. What was that suppose to mean?

"Ryoma! You're awake!" Mary screamed because she was SO good that she could call him by his first name after knowing him for like…two days which were like the two days Echizen was out cold.

"Mary!"

"Ryoma!"

"MARY!!"

"Don't look at me! I'm hideous!" Mary screamed dramatically as she started crying and covered her face.

"I'll still love you no matter what!" Echizen cried dramatically as she uncovered her face, "I'll still love you even if you're hideous, green, prickly…and…uh…actually never mind."

"**NOOOOO!! My 1 true luv1!!1" **She cried before she spontaneously exploded into a million sparkling pieces. Which Echizen admired before they burst into flames.

* * *

"King Atobe, we're sorry to announce that Mary exploded," said Bill the soldier.

"Off with your head!" Atobe yelled.

"Hey, hey, wait a minute there Atobe, wait until he finishes telling us the entire story," Oshitari said roling his eyes, "So who killed Mary?"

"It looks like the Bold Authors Deciding Against Stupid Sues association, or BADASS, sent a special agent to assassinate Mary," said Bill.

"Who's the agent?" Gakuto asked.

"We're not quite sure but he calls himself 'Satan'" said Bill.

"What's that suppose to stand for," Shishido asked raising an eyebrow.

"Um…actually it's just Satan, no acronym," said Bill as he checked his papers

"Now off with your head!" Gakuto screamed. Everyone gave him a look that was like "You're NOT Atobe."

* * *

"Hey guys, you know what I just figured out?" Kirihara asked to the remaining people who wasn't having a seizure or dying.

"What Kirihara?" They answered in unison.

"You know in the last chapter how I said we couldn't drive and all since we're too young?" Kirihara asked.

They nodded.

"Why the hell do we own an ice cream truck?" He asked pointing to the vehicle.

"We...don't know," They answered again in unison.

"Wait…how did we even get here?" Kirihara questioned and everyone who was conscious once again looked confused.

"That's silly Akaya," Yukimura said since I noticed he has had no input in any of the Rikkai Dai conversations, "You can't _drive_ that ice cream truck."

Yukimura chuckled as if it was the funniest thing in the world.

"It _flies_," Yukimura said as if it couldn't be more obvious.

* * *

**So it's been more than a year since I've last updated and I honestly have no excuse…**

**This chapter isn't actually that good at all**

**But enjoy it anyways**

**And hopefully I will actually be updating this time ehehehe…**


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